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my reason for living. [13 Feb 2005|04:15pm]
[ mood | thankful ]

Yo. I never believed much in God. But now I know he's out there watching out for me. Because I know there's only one reason I'm getting through this shit and there's only one reason I'm not up there in heaven with Rayshele right now. God gave me a reason. God gave me the only reason that I have any hope that everything will be okay:

Daddy loves you, Niss.

life.. [28 Jan 2005|03:54pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Yo. I'm leaving this not friends only because I think it's just some shit that needs to get out.

I'm finally starting to get how valuable and precious life is. It's not worth rolling the dice on. It's not worth making stupid decisions that you know are stupid and risking your life for it. Shit is just so fuckin' fucked up. My daughter is gonna grow up without a muthafuckin' mother. But really, she hasn't had a "mommy" since the muthafuckin' day she was born anyways yo.

I can't help but be so muthafuckin' pissed at Rayshele for doing this to us. Why? Never have I ever asked myself a question so much as I been asking myself "why?" for the past week.

I'll miss you Ray. I'm sorry we weren't enough.

OCTOBER 8, 1981 - JANUARY 21, 2005

Yo [24 May 2004|12:10am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Yo, I know I ain't wrote in here for awhile. Been real busy with the baby and all. Getting ready for her Baptism and stuff like that. Things should calm down after all that is over. Peace!!

[10 May 2004|07:07pm]
i made that last one friends-only because someone flipped their ass out about people reading that, yo.

My views on shit. [10 May 2004|05:01pm]
[ mood | furious ]

all of this shit is gonna be in mothafuckin' lowercase, yo. too fuckin' bad, deal with it. i gotta type as fast as i fuckin' can and i don't got time to worry about that, yo. too bad. anissa is sleeping now and it's my turn to feed her when she gets up so rayshele can sleep, dawg. what a good mothafuckin' boyfriend i am, true dat.

since everyone is already fuckin' reaming me about the shit with v, i might as well give my opinions on their whole MESSED THE FUCK UP thang they got going on. some of you don't get it because you don't know him like i fuckin' know him, yo. everyone is sayin' i'm the one bein' unreasonable here? nigga please, i'm so fuckin' right about this shit it's fuckin' digusting. let me start at the fuckin' beginning. rewind, what, 2.5 years of hell, and start at the fuckin' beginning, dawg.

the most fucked up shit in the worldCollapse )

My baby girl. [09 May 2004|08:17pm]
[ mood | thankful ]

We named her Anissa Jade. It was nerveracking not knowing if she was going to be a girl or a boy until she was born, because Ray had a feeling it was a boy and we were never really picking any girl names. As soon as we saw her face we knew her name was Anissa.

Aight dawg, tell me my daughter isn't the single most beautiful mothafuckin' child you've ever seen in your life, yo.

We went to the hospital on Friday night. Anissa was born at 5:37 am on Saturday (5/8/04). Here's one more picture of me and her.

People always told me that when the baby was born I'd instantly grow up.......never believed it.....then I looked in her eyes and I realized that my life is all about her now, yo. I'll mothafuckin' murder anyone who hurts her *and I mean that*.....the love I feel for her and Ray now is unbelievable. As much of a fuck up as I've been in my short 25 years God gave me the biggest blessing and possibly the reason I'll still be alive in a year from now (God willing). Anissa is my second chance, my reason to change everything in my life for the better. Dawg, it's all so corny and I know nobody ever expected this shit to be coming out of my mouth, but it's so fuckin' true.

Rayshele is doing great. Her first mother's day was great. I can't wait for motherfuckin' fathers day. It won't even be fathers day, dawg, it'll be Anissa day. Like tomorrow, and Tuesday, and so on.

Let me say yo even this doesn't counteract the FUCKED UP-NESS of Anissa's god mother. I told Rayshele what a BAD MOTHERFUCKIN' IDEA it was to make her the god mother, but it's Rayshele's daughter too, so I can't argue that, yo. I've never seen someone (especially a girl) be so fuckin' INCONSIDERATE of someone's feelings for them, ever, yo. Never. Here's a fuckin' tip for you chicks........if you dump your boyfriend and start dating some other dude the next motherfuckin' day and repeatedly ignore the many (and I've seen it myself so don't act like they were absent, yo) attempts to get you back until he finally gives the fuck up and starts dating someone else, don't fuckin; throw that shit in his motherfuckin' face every fuckin' chance you get, yo. I'll get into that more when I get more sleep, dawg, but all I'm sayin' bout that at this minute is I can't believe homeboy is still motherfuckin' completely in love with that stuck-up fuckin' heartbreakin' bitch. I'll never understand that shit, yo. Fuck her, fuck fuck fuck her, yo, and it's fuckin' fucked that I'm the only one sayin' that shit right now.


the love of my life [08 May 2004|11:28pm]
[ mood | complete ]

i never knew it was possible to love someone as much as i love my daughter.

Going to the hospital.... [27 Apr 2004|07:27pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

We're leaving for the hospital in a few hours, Ray is having alot of pain and we think she's going to have the baby tomorrow. They might induce her. I have never been this excited and scared at the same time in my life, yo. This time tomorrow I could be a father!!!

Thankfully.... [26 Apr 2004|07:19pm]
[ mood | thankful ]

Benj got here last night. Today he took Rayshele out to Babies 'R Us and bought all of the shit we needed for the nursery. I didn't want him to do that because I feel like a fuckin' charity case, but he said he wanted to. So we got the crib, a dresser, the stroller, a highchair, a changing table, the carseat, a playpen, and all that good stuff. Our parents are buying everything else we need so from what they say we won't have to worry about buying anything. Benj is a life saver yo.

Spare me the trouble yo. [26 Apr 2004|04:19pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

Ok, now I know why some people dont want certain people out of their sight. They are afraid that if they do, they might actually have fun WITHOUT them....or find someone who actually wants to do be with them and actually progress...imagine that...but no, they would rather complain about him, when the actuality is you're the person who turned his life into the tore down mess that it is, but everyone still feels bad for YOU. WHAT THE FUCK?????...but it's ok for you to go out every weekend cocktailin' getting drunk off your ass and coming home at 6 am. So I have to say if I had to live with someone who only was living with me for my wallet I would have to be on PAXIL too! Look at it this way, if he goes out, the more time you have to go spend all of his money at Rodeo Drive whatever the fuck it is, yo, get smashed with Joel, stick your tongue down that pretty fag you've been hanging around with's throat, or hang around with your pedophile ex-(or is it?)boyfriend! Back to Tiki with you two!

As Mister Rogers used to say "hope you have a good day" or else as Dennis Hopper once said "FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKIN'FUCK!"

I really don't understand. [25 Apr 2004|11:58pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I just really don't understand life anymore...I really don't. I really and honestly feel as if some people have just turned their back on me. This feeling sux!

I got into a fight tonight. Auguring fight, not physical although I would have rather been hurt that way instead of emotionally. I won't say who it was, but I will say I just don't know if I can continue a relationship/friendship with them anymore. They did, however, tell me that I had issues, so now I know what my damn problem has been this entire time. Thanks for the insight, bitch!

Fuckin' pussy. [24 Apr 2004|11:15pm]
[ mood | angry ]

You want to piss me off? Read this behind my back and spread the information that has nothing to do with you to other people. Good job asshole, now I want to smash you. Don't think I won't.

Dancing with the one-legged.... [20 Apr 2004|06:12am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Last night I managed to overextend my knee. This really sucks, yo, but I have done it numerous times in the past. Some kind of fucky genetic thing of the knee cap and the knee joint. It usually is somewhat painful but I can usually pop it back in place (painful, yes, but necessary.) But for some reason last night it was not fixing it and I need to see a doctor today as soon as I can. This is going to suck! It has only been this bad twice before and once the last time I needed surgery. This is going to blow my o/t at work for now. I can barely hobble. I do not know how I am going to get anywhere because Rayshele does not drive and she has a doctor's appt. at 4 pm. I am excited at this but hope that I do not need to use up my vacation time for this because we really could not afford it and I was going to take the time off when she popped, to help her and the new seed get situated.

This bites more and more as I think about it. Here it is 6 in the morning and I have to get up to call in but cannot go back to sleep for I cannot find a comfortable position for my knee. No record pimping today. fuck! I still have some yard work to finish up. Expect more rants later.

More reasons why we need to move. [17 Apr 2004|11:13pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

Rayshele and I are just vegging today watching bad movies and relaxing. We just finished watching JAWBREAKER with Rose McGowan and Marilyn Manson, Manson is in it FAR too little. Before that was DETROIT ROCK CITY, with a semi-chickeny looking Edward Furlong trying to get to a KISS concert in Detroit. We really need this day to relax after what has been happening. Work, work work....it is the first weekend I have not had to work in about 4 weeks. Ah, sleeping in is good even if it is only till 9:30. Those damn ladies have been bugging the hell out of us lately, I swear that when we move we will have a no fag rule, I tell you those three give homosexuality a bad name. That is if ALL THREE WERE GAY. Which we have our doubts, only one we can confirm is gay the other two well...one is probably more of a chickenhawk or a pedophile than actually gay. And know the other is more BUY sexual than gay, (BUY-sexual <- buy me things and I'll be sexual! Sounds like someone Benj knows!) I swear I'll be happy to move just to avoid those three!

I do not know why people hate gays for just being gay when there are so many better reasons!

How much can I get for my soul?....... [15 Apr 2004|10:13pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

I was telling the ever lovely Ashley yesterday that I was going to try to get a loan on my soul. Damn bills..... so many... I am trying to a get night or evening job so that we can get a little extra money since Rayshele cannot work until after the baby is here a few weeks. What's gross about it is we can manage if we are both working but if one of us is not working for any great amount of time we get behind. And the pregenancy would definitely classify. Also still on the hunt for an entirely new job all together. Have been posting my resume online and sending them out, but that is an entirely different rant. My job sux! I may have to start the killing! Which is tempting because I can dispose of the bodies where it would be awhile before any one discovers them if they ever do! Ah, the brief benefits of knowing someone who works in a cemetery!

The good news is that Benj's queer ass is coming to chill next week. And for Ryan, we have finally cleared out the room for him and put the TV and DVD in it and moved around some furniture. He shall at least bring some merriment and joy with him. *And hopefully some homemade absinthe...hint...hint*

I am not the only one who is eager for this baby to come. I know I will be overflowing with joy when she does. I was just hoping to be more caught up with the bills by then.

Rhymes with cheese.... [14 Apr 2004|11:55pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Ray is still bedding it...she really needs her rest. We were at the hospital until 3 am. Just being cautious, since we are getting into the time frame that the baby may be coming at any time now.

Dan is coming today. Probably on his way as we speak. And it is pouring rain out. Well, I guess it is better than hot and sunny! I wonder if we will hear from Tara, she was supposed to be home sometime last night, and is supposedly going to pick up the fruit loop at the airport. Fortunately WE now can go, so we can be sure to pick up Danielson.

We shall meet him with a homemade meat helmet, naked pictures of the Golden Girls and FRUIT!! everyone loves FRUIT! *DAN*..."I SURE WOULD LOVE ME SOME FRUIT!" WE will try to find you some good curry Dan. Have a safe flight and remember, leave the scythe in NY.

The days of SPAM and roses!! [11 Apr 2004|03:45pm]
[ mood | amused ]

We were watching movies with Nick the pie man, but delirium is begining to set in. We are too terribly amused by Ray's cat, the big striped lie, licking it's ass. Don't know why it was, but at the time it was hilarious! Also laughing about Benj thinking *SMINT* were nose mints.

Rayshele is bitchin' about everything...mainly our K Jr. impostor. We really should go to bed, we are getting way too wacky...yes, yo, I said wacky. Nick is going to watch the Prince of Darkness with Alice Cooper. We are plotting the deaths of a couple of people and how we are going to dispose of the bodies in different fun and interesting fashions.

Poor Raydawg!! [09 Apr 2004|08:13am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

Ray is taking a nap, she needs to rest more. We have to go the hospital today to do her usual weekly tests for the baby. I really can't believe what she is going through, it really is getting rough on her and she still has 3 more weeks.

Annoying ass people. [08 Apr 2004|06:26pm]
[ mood | lazy ]

Yeah Sarah called me at like 5:30 am all drunk or trippin' or somthing. Fuckin' woke me up and shit. I guess her friend from school is visiting and she asked me if I wanted to go to Georgetown tomorrow so I'll probably go. I'm not doing anything else. They wanted me to come over and drink last night but I was like fuck that, I'm sleeping. Sarah was scaring me, she started rambling something like "Brian come over, you're sexy" all drunk style. And then she started telling her friend I was a cute skinny punk rocker. Gotta get ready for work, yo. Ladddddah.

Let the killing begin!!!! [06 Apr 2004|03:36am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

<~~~ Danger.....super bitching rant ahead....you know who you are... ~~~>


I am really getting tired of this shit, how is it that when Rayshele and I do manage together and try to make plans something fucks it up? That job of hers sucks ass big time...and if mine was even remotely decent I would tell them to FUCK OFF and have her quit. I say now and forevermore, don't have a fuckin' company you own if you are not going to at least fucking going to stop in on occassion to see how it's going. Do not, I repeat do not leave the business up to your wanna be redneck pasco-liscious dwarf ass motherfuckin' sister, while you galavant around fuckin' Rurope, only to come back 3 fuckin' years later after she has run it into the ground and expect what employees you still manage to have left to help you get out of the hole she dug...so deep...so deep... you better thank your new manager for her staying this long, she is the only reason.


.....What is worse, being single or in a bad non-feeling, non-caring, shell of a relationship where you are just going through the motions? Example, people who cannot even go out with friends to a club to celebrate another friends b-day because of significant others not going (Benj applies but I got R.J. in mind)... bring them along just because you may not want to go, FINE... Fuck You... but don't let it interrupt someone else's fun, especially when they very rarely get to go out as a group together...after all, it will give you more time to BED-IT, GO HOME AND PLAY X-BOX, GO ON THE FUCKIN' INTERNET, OR GO TO THE JUNKYARD AND SUCK THAT CROOKED BIRD ALREADY YOU Two. I know it is the fault also of the other person in the relationship for letting it get this bad. At least do something about it, quit making excuses for not doing things that we know and can see you want to do because of him! Grow some balls already!

I know I may not have the perfect relationship but at least she knows where I stand. We ARE getting married, yo. I at least showed some willingness to commit, unlike some people who can't even live in the same fuckin' county (R.J.)! I do not think you have any right to tell me who I can hang out with or where to go unless you are at least living with me, NOT STILL LIVING WITH MOMMY, because you don't want a commitment....yes you are BIG, a BIG PUSSY! Hey, if she goes with us you will have more time to adjust that pimp wigga wannabe fuckin' Neon on your car and go play with your RC car, you big pussy!

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