Brian

my reason for living.

Mon, 28 Feb 2005 00:18:05 GMT

Yo. I never believed much in God. But now I know he's out there watching out for me. Because I know there's only one reason I'm getting through this shit and there's only one reason I'm not up there in heaven with Rayshele right now. God gave me a reason. God gave me the only reason that I have any hope that everything will be okay:

Daddy loves you, Niss.

life..

Sun, 27 Feb 2005 23:54:15 GMT

Yo. I'm leaving this not friends only because I think it's just some shit that needs to get out.

I'm finally starting to get how valuable and precious life is. It's not worth rolling the dice on. It's not worth making stupid decisions that you know are stupid and risking your life for it. Shit is just so fuckin' fucked up. My daughter is gonna grow up without a muthafuckin' mother. But really, she hasn't had a "mommy" since the muthafuckin' day she was born anyways yo.

I can't help but be so muthafuckin' pissed at Rayshele for doing this to us. Why? Never have I ever asked myself a question so much as I been asking myself "why?" for the past week.

I'll miss you Ray. I'm sorry we weren't enough.

RAYSHELE ASHLEY ROBINSON
OCTOBER 8, 1981 - JANUARY 21, 2005
REST IN PEACE

Yo

Mon, 24 May 2004 07:11:22 GMT

Yo, I know I ain't wrote in here for awhile. Been real busy with the baby and all. Getting ready for her Baptism and stuff like that. Things should calm down after all that is over. Peace!!

Tue, 11 May 2004 02:08:05 GMT

i made that last one friends-only because someone flipped their ass out about people reading that, yo.

My views on shit.

Tue, 11 May 2004 01:41:53 GMT

all of this shit is gonna be in mothafuckin' lowercase, yo. too fuckin' bad, deal with it. i gotta type as fast as i fuckin' can and i don't got time to worry about that, yo. too bad. anissa is sleeping now and it's my turn to feed her when she gets up so rayshele can sleep, dawg. what a good mothafuckin' boyfriend i am, true dat.

since everyone is already fuckin' reaming me about the shit with v, i might as well give my opinions on their whole MESSED THE FUCK UP thang they got going on. some of you don't get it because you don't know him like i fuckin' know him, yo. everyone is sayin' i'm the one bein' unreasonable here? nigga please, i'm so fuckin' right about this shit it's fuckin' digusting. let me start at the fuckin' beginning. rewind, what, 2.5 years of hell, and start at the fuckin' beginning, dawg.

the night he met her, he fuckin' called me at 6 in the mornin' tellin' me he just met the girl he was gonna fuckin' marry, yo. i wasn't sure if i was still drunk and trippin' and i was just hearing things or if he fell off the fuckin' wagon and was tippin' the bacardi hxc. like hearin' one of your boys callin' you up spewing that shit isn't fucked enough, yo, it's 100x more fucked coming from his ass. 2 mothafuckin' weeks later that nigga knocks on my fuckin' door and he's got that bitch with him. 4,000 or however many fuckin' miles we are away from florida, dawg. so rayshele is talkin' to her and she's tellin' rayshele she's stayin' up here for christmas and shit, yo. that deserves a big WHAT THE FUCK? i was like aight yo, don't this trick got a mothafuckin' family? well then a fast forward a few months and then comes warped. he brought her with him and all she fuckin' did for 3 mothafuckin' days straight was bitch and complain about how dirty and disgusting everyone and everything involved was and decided she wanted to fuckin' book it and go the fuck home. so she did, good fuckin' riddance. then a week later she fuckin' calls my boy and breaks up with him sayin' her and her pedophile ex-boyfriend rich (whom she dropped for my boy) are together again because he didn't have time for her. again i ask WHAT THE FUCK? you willingly leave and fuckin' come back at him talkin' about he doesn't have time for you like he fuckin' told you to screw? back to tiki with you, yo. so my boy writes a few songs about her trick ass and even one about slicing that pedophile into 100,000 fuckin' peices. a week later he meets this other broad and brings her on tour with him for awhile. being that v is fuckin' friends with jeannie's dumb mothafuckin' ass, she finds out, and when i say world war mothafuckin' 3 exploded, i fuckin' mean it. this broad fuckin' calls my boy up demanding (yes, demanding) that he sends the other broad back to tiki and flies her out to be with him TOMORROW. and he fuckin' did, yo. THAT NIGGA DID. so he's just as fucked up as she is for that (sorry, dawg, but that shit is fuckin'fucked, yo). that lasted all up until the last few weeks of that shit and she dropped him again and screwed back to tiki with the child molester. 2 weeks later he took her back. a month later she fuckin' bounced again. everything with natalie. she finds out and fuckin' loses it, they're mothafuckin' back kissin' and makin' up a few fuckin' weeks later. by then we all fuckin' realized his bitch ass was fuckin' pussywhipped. then in mothafuckin' april or something yo, she fuckin' drops him AGAIN, dawg. what the fuck is fuckin' going on here, yo? so he fuckin' gets into this slump and gets fuckin' depressed and all of us remember how he was around that time. lets not even fuckin' talkkkk about the fuckin' time right after that when he walked right the fuck in on her makin' out with some other dude. but of course yo he's a pussy and he didn't fuckin' do a mothafuckin' thing because all that trick does is fuckin' cry. he fuckin' meets fre in july or some shit, yo, and v loves to bring up that when the fucked up part is that she was fuckin' there when he fuckin' met her, yo. standing right there, mothafucka. she knows nothin' FUCKIN' happened. well after all the times she's fuckin' dropped him and bounced, he fuckin' has her move with him when he goes to crofton. that deserves another WHAT THE FUCK? aight yo so they probably split another 44 times from then until september, but i think it was in fuckin' october when she bounced AGAIN and he started talkin' to her more (am i right about that? i think so, dawg), and when he was in europe he was so mothafuckin' depressed that kids were startin' to notice and ask what the fuck was wrong with him? that's really fuckin' nice, yo. so they hook back up, in, what, fuckin' middle of november or something, dawg? who mothafuckin' cares, we all fuckin' remember how she left him sittin' there with his thumb up his fuckin' ass after he did all that shit for her for their anniversary, yo. so he says fuck it and goes to japan for a fuckin' week because she fuckin' meets some fairy surfer at the fuckin' mall and starts datin' his homosexual-tendencied ass, dawg. so of fuckin' course they get back together 2 fuckin' weeks later only to have her fuckin' break up with him when they were in JAPAN, yo....in mothafuckin' japan, then make him fuckin' pay for her flight back to cali! and again, THE DUMB MOTHAFUCKIN NIGGA DID. 3 weeks later he gets back and everything is all fuckin' good again, he breaks up with fe for the 37th fuckin' time yo. well mothafuckin' someone thinks it's aight to fuckin' tell her that my boy hooked up with the other broad after she went back to cali, so she yet again fuckin' flips and splits for good, yo. they were fuckin' BROKEN UP, dawg, and she was datin' some fag-ass bitch named casey. well we all fuckin' know where everything's at now, dawg, and i don't see how anyone can fuckin' blame me for bein' fuckin' aped at her, yo. this fuckin' kid is so wrapped up in her and she just doesn't give a fuckin' shit, he fuckin' uses japan as his fuckin' defense mechanism for everything, yo, and it's fuckin' sad shit. lets not talk about how brother dearest fuckin' sold him out when he said he was there by pullin' some shit 2 days later sayin' heeee was fuckin' there just to make all the kids be all fuckin' confused and sayin' my boy was a fuckin' liar because v was fuckin' pissed that "he was there," yo. aight so on to how he fuckin' pays every mothafuckin' bill for everything for that fuckin' apartment in cali, yo. the rent, the phone, cable, electric, internet, everyfuckinthing, dawg. and she has the fuckin' audacity to fuckin' tell him she doesn't think they should both be stayin' there when he's in cali, so he fuckin' bounces and goes and crashes with another one of our boys. WHAT THE FUCK number 843, yo. so this trick is livin' it up at this nice-ass mothafuckin' dig in cali and he's payin' for her ass to fuckin' live there when her boyfriend is always over there, he's payin' her fuckin' nextel bill (and he still does, yo) for her to talk to her fuckin' boyfriend all the time on the fuckin' phone, and she's still usin' his fuckin' credit cards and he's LETTING HER, dawg, AND PAYING THE BILLS. i'm not fuckin' talkin' $100 here and there, dawg, we all know how much money is floatin' around over there, dawg. i'm gettin' fuckin' pissed just writing about it because it's like i'm the only mothafuckin' one who sees that THAT SHIT AIN'T RIGHT, yo. he fuckin' lets her drive his car around cali when she has 2 fuckin' cars of her fuckin' own eventhough she's gotten in fifty-eleven mothafuckin' accidents with that car and parked that shit in the fuckin' ghetto and got his dubs jacked, but does his pussy ass care, yo? nah of course he mothafuckin' doesn't. so i'm fuckin' talkin' to her yesterday and she keeps bringin' up the mothafuckin' fact of rin. aight yo well the mothafuckin' fact of fe is that he's not gonna sit there with his mothafuckin' thumb up his ass for the rest of his damn life waitin' for you to go back to him, yo. she fuckin' told me yo (and i swear she said this) that she doesn't want him to fuckin' date any other girls, because she thinks if he ever loved her he wouldn't want to. WHAT THE FUCK #123, yo? BACK TO TIKI WITH YOU, you fuckin' dumb-ass, i can't fuckin' believe she said that shit. the fuckin' big difference there is him and her aren't really even fuckin' together anymore, yo, and even if they were, if she fuckin' told him she wanted to get back together with his dumb-ass, he'd call tokyo and tell her to screw for the 44th time, yo. but my boy goes out of his fuckin' way to talk about shit with her, and she won't shut the fuck up about nick. i don't even fuckin' know nick and i think he's a motherfuckin' cocksuckin' prick, dawg. like his mothafuckin' shit is ice cream. fuck that shit, dawg. the hardest fuckin' thing yo is seein' the way he fuckin' looks at her.....he's so fuckin' in love with that trick, and she just doesn't fuckin' care, yo. she don't even care, because she's fucked up, dawg. fucked the fuck up. then her dumb-ass fuckin' tells me he never cared about her? lets not even fuckin' start, yo, all he did was fuckin' wake up, call her/spend time with her, whatever the fuck applied, do his gig, call her back/spend more time with her, yo. and how many fuckin' times have any of us talked to his ass when he was overseas and she wasn't there, and he ain't slept in 3 fuckin' mothafuckin' days because all that fuckin' nigga did was talk to her on the fuckin' phone? yeah, he didn't give a fuckin' shit about her, yo, not at fuckin' all. she don't fuckin' get that there is a huge mothafuckin' difference in being happy and getting by. he's getting by, because he fuckin' has to, because her ice-queen cold-hearted bitch-ass is making him, yo. and i could tell her fuckin' man a thing or 2 about some shit that went down this weekend, but yo i won't do that. my fuckin' point towards her is she needs to stop tellin' him shit like she told him this weekend (and anyone would fuckin' interpret that shit the same mothafuckin' way he did, yo, i don't fuckin' give a shit what she thinks) and then act like she never fuckin' said it. so he goes from 60 to 0 in 10 fuckin' minutes, yo, all over her. and i'm fuckin' sick of seein' it, yo. and believe this shit that i'm just as fuckin' pissed at him because he has NO FUCKIN' BALLS, yo. no fuckin' balls at all. if he's gonna take that shit from a fuckin' GIRL, it's his own fuckin' fault. but that don't make it ok by me that she does it. i just fuckin' had it this weekend, yo, that's my fuckin' boy, since we were fuckin' kids, yo. and his life was never as fucked as it is now until he met her fuckin' dumb mothafuckin' ass. now all he fuckin' does is think he did something wrong, dawg. "well maybe if i did this, maybe if i told her this more, maybe if i was...." no, dawg, maybe nothing, he treated that fuckin' bitch like fuckin' GOLD, yo. she's fucked up, not him, aight? how many times did he even fuckin' yelllll at her ass, yo? maybe 3 fuckin' times since he's known her bitch self when most people get it 3 fuckin' times a week?

you don't meet someone and spend over 2 years fuckin' up their fuckin' life then leaving them to fuckin' pick up the mothafuckin' peices ALONE, yo. unless you're a fuckin' self-centered ass bitch. that explains that one.

all of you can tell me now that i'm fuckin' wrong about this, because i'm not, yo. i'm not. and some of the boys are makin' amc into a fuckin' joke....... fuckin' nigga's won't shut the fuck up about how fuckin' hot she is for one fuckin' minute and realize how mothafuckin' messed up everything else is. "you gotta try, dawg, look at her, yo." yeah, i fuckin' looked at her all fuckin' weekend. yeah, she's fuckin' fine, so fuckin' what, i still wanted to bitchslap the shit out her stupid ass.

My baby girl.

Mon, 10 May 2004 03:48:09 GMT

We named her Anissa Jade. It was nerveracking not knowing if she was going to be a girl or a boy until she was born, because Ray had a feeling it was a boy and we were never really picking any girl names. As soon as we saw her face we knew her name was Anissa.

Aight dawg, tell me my daughter isn't the single most beautiful mothafuckin' child you've ever seen in your life, yo.

We went to the hospital on Friday night. Anissa was born at 5:37 am on Saturday (5/8/04). Here's one more picture of me and her.

People always told me that when the baby was born I'd instantly grow up.......never believed it.....then I looked in her eyes and I realized that my life is all about her now, yo. I'll mothafuckin' murder anyone who hurts her *and I mean that*.....the love I feel for her and Ray now is unbelievable. As much of a fuck up as I've been in my short 25 years God gave me the biggest blessing and possibly the reason I'll still be alive in a year from now (God willing). Anissa is my second chance, my reason to change everything in my life for the better. Dawg, it's all so corny and I know nobody ever expected this shit to be coming out of my mouth, but it's so fuckin' true.

Rayshele is doing great. Her first mother's day was great. I can't wait for motherfuckin' fathers day. It won't even be fathers day, dawg, it'll be Anissa day. Like tomorrow, and Tuesday, and so on.

Let me say yo even this doesn't counteract the FUCKED UP-NESS of Anissa's god mother. I told Rayshele what a BAD MOTHERFUCKIN' IDEA it was to make her the god mother, but it's Rayshele's daughter too, so I can't argue that, yo. I've never seen someone (especially a girl) be so fuckin' INCONSIDERATE of someone's feelings for them, ever, yo. Never. Here's a fuckin' tip for you chicks........if you dump your boyfriend and start dating some other dude the next motherfuckin' day and repeatedly ignore the many (and I've seen it myself so don't act like they were absent, yo) attempts to get you back until he finally gives the fuck up and starts dating someone else, don't fuckin; throw that shit in his motherfuckin' face every fuckin' chance you get, yo. I'll get into that more when I get more sleep, dawg, but all I'm sayin' bout that at this minute is I can't believe homeboy is still motherfuckin' completely in love with that stuck-up fuckin' heartbreakin' bitch. I'll never understand that shit, yo. Fuck her, fuck fuck fuck her, yo, and it's fuckin' fucked that I'm the only one sayin' that shit right now.

Peace.

the love of my life

Sun, 09 May 2004 06:28:44 GMT

i never knew it was possible to love someone as much as i love my daughter.

Going to the hospital....

Sun, 02 May 2004 02:29:28 GMT

We're leaving for the hospital in a few hours, Ray is having alot of pain and we think she's going to have the baby tomorrow. They might induce her. I have never been this excited and scared at the same time in my life, yo. This time tomorrow I could be a father!!!

Spare me the trouble yo.

Sun, 02 May 2004 01:19:18 GMT

Ok, now I know why some people dont want certain people out of their sight. They are afraid that if they do, they might actually have fun WITHOUT them....or find someone who actually wants to do be with them and actually progress...imagine that...but no, they would rather complain about him, when the actuality is you're the person who turned his life into the tore down mess that it is, but everyone still feels bad for YOU. WHAT THE FUCK?????...but it's ok for you to go out every weekend cocktailin' getting drunk off your ass and coming home at 6 am. So I have to say if I had to live with someone who only was living with me for my wallet I would have to be on PAXIL too! Look at it this way, if he goes out, the more time you have to go spend all of his money at Rodeo Drive whatever the fuck it is, yo, get smashed with Joel, stick your tongue down that pretty fag you've been hanging around with's throat, or hang around with your pedophile ex-(or is it?)boyfriend! Back to Tiki with you two!

As Mister Rogers used to say "hope you have a good day" or else as Dennis Hopper once said "FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKIN'FUCK!"

Let the killing begin!!!!

Sun, 02 May 2004 01:10:26 GMT

<~~~ Danger.....super bitching rant ahead....you know who you are... ~~~>

The TRUTH BUG IS HERE PEOPLE!

I am really getting tired of this shit, how is it that when Rayshele and I do manage together and try to make plans something fucks it up? That job of hers sucks ass big time...and if mine was even remotely decent I would tell them to FUCK OFF and have her quit. I say now and forevermore, don't have a fuckin' company you own if you are not going to at least fucking going to stop in on occassion to see how it's going. Do not, I repeat do not leave the business up to your wanna be redneck pasco-liscious dwarf ass motherfuckin' sister, while you galavant around fuckin' Rurope, only to come back 3 fuckin' years later after she has run it into the ground and expect what employees you still manage to have left to help you get out of the hole she dug...so deep...so deep... you better thank your new manager for her staying this long, she is the only reason.

THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED MUCH LONGER!

.....What is worse, being single or in a bad non-feeling, non-caring, shell of a relationship where you are just going through the motions? Example, people who cannot even go out with friends to a club to celebrate another friends b-day because of significant others not going (Benj applies but I got R.J. in mind)... bring them along just because you may not want to go, FINE... Fuck You... but don't let it interrupt someone else's fun, especially when they very rarely get to go out as a group together...after all, it will give you more time to BED-IT, GO HOME AND PLAY X-BOX, GO ON THE FUCKIN' INTERNET, OR GO TO THE JUNKYARD AND SUCK THAT CROOKED BIRD ALREADY YOU Two. I know it is the fault also of the other person in the relationship for letting it get this bad. At least do something about it, quit making excuses for not doing things that we know and can see you want to do because of him! Grow some balls already!

I know I may not have the perfect relationship but at least she knows where I stand. We ARE getting married, yo. I at least showed some willingness to commit, unlike some people who can't even live in the same fuckin' county (R.J.)! I do not think you have any right to tell me who I can hang out with or where to go unless you are at least living with me, NOT STILL LIVING WITH MOMMY, because you don't want a commitment....yes you are BIG, a BIG PUSSY! Hey, if she goes with us you will have more time to adjust that pimp wigga wannabe fuckin' Neon on your car and go play with your RC car, you big pussy!

I am exhausted!!!

Sun, 02 May 2004 00:59:55 GMT

I am soooo tired....

TIRED FROM TODAY...tired from last night...I am even tired from tomorrow...and it's not even here yet! But most of all I am tired of people thinking they know what is best for me, I am tired of people giving me "advice" *hint* *hint*...Hey I have a good job, I go to work, do my job as best I can, and I come home. Now I must admit it has taken me A LONG TIME to get to this point but I am finally here. Is it like some kind of weird conspiracy or something that once people get comfortable with their life and start to understand who they really are inside you are supposed to try to convince them other wise?

Pardon me but that gets a big ...WHAT THE FUCK?

I am so unbelievably exhausted, all that is keeping awake the music playing on my IPod, and I know soon that I will have to wake up Ray and go to bed. And I am so looking forward to that beautiful moment.

Remember, don't be a sheep, think for yourself and do your own thing...as the phrase goes..."AND HARM TOWARDS NONE DO WHAT THY WILL"

The fit has hit the shan....

Sun, 02 May 2004 00:54:46 GMT

I think it would have been really hard for this day to possibly suck more ass!

I use the rare moment of a day off of work to go out job hunting, my job is really starting to suck, and I go to the first place and they tell me the position was just filled. I think the person who left in front of me got the position. I go to find the next interview and I spend several hours looking for it! The address was misleading and I had to look it up on the computer and call them for directions to find it. Quick tip, people, if you are going to have a job fair more people will show up if you print the CORRECT address! And a phone number would help too! So I finally find the damn place and fill out an application (5 pages) and insert my resume and get get a chance to talk to someone which lasts about a whole 30 seconds. Evidently, they were only hiring for one main position even though the ad had listed 8 different ones. I was even going to bother to argue with the woman who did not even take the time to review my resume or even my cover letter. Thank you for wasting most of my fuckin' day! I should have saved myself the trouble and just applied online, but noooo...I wanted to get an interview. This whole day has just pissed off.

As for good news, Rayshele finally got her infection drained. Eeeeeeewwww yo, that's just gross. Only took 28 hours in the hospital to get it done! I hope she will be feeling better now.

So stressed and yet no real urge to type it all out. I need to find a better gig!
I would even be willing to move to a different state! I would even consider Alaska!!
Ray is starting to drift off to sleep and still debating whether or not to take a bath and soak or go bed it. She needs her rest after all that she has been through lately. This past week has been a real peach. She deserves much more than I can give her at this moment, she does not need all the stress of late. Fortunately I for once have little to do with it.

Time to distract myself with the Hollywood Stock Exchange, weekend is commission free trading. www.hsx.com.